rabble rabble rabble rabble

after a month of trying to play guitar, i can almost play the following songs.

painting by chagall by the weepies
try by nelly furtado
cherry tulips by headlights


and now i'm working on

sunnyroad by emiliana torrini
you were meant for me by jewel


i'm not very good and i'm getting really frustrated because i don't have a capo. that would be really useful right about now. peace.

Newlywed Cooking. For the newlywed. Yeah.

When Gray and I first got married I was nervous at the prospect of having to cook dinner every night.  Luckily I had the help of a Thai cooking background, advice from siblings, and wonderful recipes from in-laws. However there were still things I wasn't prepared for.  When I had previously been on my own I rarely cooked at home (the benefits of working in a restaurant I suppose).  When Gray and I started our home together i worried about how to do my grocery shopping: What do I buy? How should I stock my pantry and fridge without wasting food?  Is cheaper always better? I'm still learning about how to fill my pantry and fridge efficiently, but here are a few things I've discovered in my grocery shopping struggle. 

1. Staples for your Pantry

Have staple ingredients. This may depend on what type of foods you decide to cook but the following items are things I use frequently:

Thyme
Rosemary
Oregano
Herbs de Provence
Garlic powder ( I also keep a jar of minced garlic )
Salt/pepper
Cayenne pepper
Dill weed
Coriander
Basil
Mrs. Dash
Olive oil
Canola oil
Balsamic vinegar
White vinegar
Worcestershire sauce
Fish sauce
Low sodium soy sauce
Oyster sauce
Dijon mustard
Ketchup
Sugar (white and brown)
Flour
Rice (brown or white)
Bread crumbs
Eggs

This list of ingredients can be acquired over time. However your shopping list becomes a lot shorter after your basics are covered. 

2. Meal Planning with Proteins

Now that you have your basic seasonings, herbs and bases for sauces, you can put together a meal even if you don't have a recipe.  First, decide what proteins you want for the week. I usually aim for chicken breast, ground beef, and maybe turkey or pork loin. I like to reserve the rest of the week for meals not planned around a protein but use more grains and vegetables. This will help cut grocery costs and balance your diet. This also allows you to embrace some creativity in your cooking. You can switch it up and try a vegetarian stir-fry with yakisoba noodles or handmade meatballs with easy homemade spaghetti sauce.  

3. Choosing Vegetables 
 
Next, decide on your veggie list. Sometimes buying fresh vegetables is expensive. Mix it up by also buying frozen and canned vegetables. However, always try to include a fresh piece of veggie or fruit with your meals. Buy salads with dark lettuce. Spinach salads seem to last longer than iceberg. Toss spinach with different veggies every night. Try bell peppers and mushrooms on Monday. Romaine tomatoes and cucumbers on Tuesday.  Maybe try mandarin oranges and your favorite nuts (almonds, pecans, walnuts) on Wednesday.  Use your pantry items to make a simple vinaigrette. Mix olive oil, Dijon mustard, and white vinegar with a little pinch of sugar. Pepper and salt to taste. 

3.  Strategic Grocery Shopping

Coupon clipping is a great way to save money, but sometimes it changes the way you plan your meals. If there is a buy 3 get 1 free deal for Hamburger Helper, you might find yourself eating boxed dinners every night, therefore depriving your diet of fresh vegetables and fruits. Try clipping coupons when they are pertinent to your cooking. Find coupons for spices and soups. Occasionally organic poultry products may have coupons so don't let new products scare you off: try them! You may end up loving it. 

Grocery shopping also begins with knowing what your menu will look like for the week. Consider food allergies, favorite foods (as well as not-so-favorite foods), and what seems to taste better when microwaved or reheated. I like to plan meals that use the same ingredients in different ways. For example, here is a menu I put together with these considerations.

Monday:
Balsamic steak & mushrooms with mashed red potatoes and green beans. Side salad. 

Tuesday:
Baked garlic and thyme red potatoes with green bean casserole. Side salad. 

Wednesday:
Leftovers or
Four cheese tortellini with homemade tomato sauce and garlic bread. 

Thursday: 
Steak with tomato, mushroom and onion sauce. Side salad. 

Friday:
Veggie fried rice with fried eggs. Optional side soup. 

Saturday: 
Leftovers (we usually don't have time to cook on Saturdays)

Sunday:
Pot roast with boiled Rosemary potatoes and onions. 

With this menu I tried to limit the meat intake but include tasty alternatives. Usually pasta or casseroles are good replacements and stir- fry will use smaller cuts of meat. This week, my grocery list would've looked like this:

2-4 Eye of round steaks
Bag of red potatoes (will last for a few weeks)
Green beans ( always freeze excess veggies for stews, broths or for steamed sides)
Mushrooms
4 fresh Roma tomatoes or 2 cans of diced Italian style tomatoes
Spinach salad 
Cheese tortellini
Eggs (if not already a staple)
Rice ( if not already a staple)
Large yellow or red onion
Pot roast

How to Write an Employee Handbook

I really have no idea how to. I just decided that I am going to be really ambitious and research a bunch of employee handbooks, then write one! Voila!

That will be a hecka cool thing to add to my resume.

well i tried to stay away. still trying.

Hello world. Guess what? I have been on facebook again. Is that bad? I wouldn't have seen Mindy's awesome wedding video if I didn't nor what Mindee and Jerry and Tayden have been doing, nor how Michelle is feeling nor what lovely links Graydon and Brad are posting.

Maybe these are all excuses but I really have missed being able to see what my family is doing. My dad is even on facebook now, and he has the funniest jokes sometimes. I felt kind of weird when my dad was more updated on facebook than I was! But I've decided that in moderation it's not so bad. If I'm on it all the time then I always begin to overanalyze everything.

This weekend Graydon and I are flying out to San Diego to visit Mindy and George. I am so excited to be able to see them both. We're planning on going to Disneyland on Saturday too. I hope we'll be able to make it to the beach as well. Last fall, Gray and I stopped at Huntington Beach but I didn't get to spend too much time there since it was a little cooler. We really had a great time going to Disneyland with our friends Jake and Ashley so we're looking forward to hanging out with Mickey Mouse again with our siblings. I think I'm really excited to see Mindy and George's apartment and just see how well they're doing. Mindy will be coming next week to Utah for Michelle's baby shower too so I get two weekends with her which is really rare. I just hope they don't ever move too far from us!

I've had a great week so far. Busy, but great. Michelle no longer works at the restaurant since she is so close to having Will so I've been kind of lonely. It's strange how much of a difference having a friend makes. She is someone I can count on. I can talk to her about anything. She is always sympathetic and I don't think I've ever felt like she was judging me even if I have done stupid things in the past. I'm so grateful for my siblings. Gray and I had fun watching Tayden the other night and I was glad to be able to be so close to Mindee and Jerry so that we were able to help out. It will be heartbreaking when everyone starts moving away :(

Sometimes I think I'd like to stay around in Utah, sometimes I feel like i want to raise our family elsewhere. But at the end of the day, Utah is a pretty rad place. I'm not complaining about how boring it is anymore, I actually appreciate how it's possible to have a great time here even though it isn't a huge city. We're not far from the mountains and I'm not complaining about the amount of snow we get: I love snowboarding in powder. I wouldn't mind teaching our kids some day how to ski (and in Graydon's case, water ski). I especially love that our family is always within driving distance. Holidays sometimes get crazy but it is possible for us to see everyone.

I think my blogs are increasingly more boring than they used to be. Maybe it's because there isn't much that goes on in my life? Or maybe it's because I don't make a fuss of little things anymore...I'm still not sure.

I'm still trying to stay away from facebook a little bit. Every time I sign in I get offended by someone...and there really is no need to be offended by an old friend deleting me or someone not responding immediately...they really are petty things. Although it stings for the first few minutes, I just have to shake it off. Friendships can only be cultivated in person anyway. I fail as a friend if I get offended for not hearing from them on facebook but then on the other hand never give them a text or call.

I will try to be a better friend.

day 4

My body hurts. My arms are jello and my legs are on fire. Yoga and pilates within two days of each other was pretty ambitious for me.

Tomorrow I plan on eating some meat. Like, a lot of it. I haven't had a lot of meat lately and the carnivore in me is screaming out for something delicious and beefy.

But I'm proud of myself. I haven't felt this relaxed in a long time. Meditation really is incredible. If I were going to prescribe one thing to anyone reading my blog, take some time to yourself for just 15 minutes and your day is incredibly more stress-free.

Ahh. Now it's time to go to bed.

day 3

Sorry I missed yesterday. I guess it didn't turn out how I expected in a lot of ways. Even if I still was on facebook, I wouldn't have had time to get on it. I was so busy yesterday. I was busy all day at work and couldn't be more relieved when it was finally over. We were busy today too. We have been busy a lot lately. I thought that maybe everyone decided to come on Tuesday for their Thai fix but I guess I was wrong. I can't blame everyone though. You should all stop by for some delicious curry or coconut ice cream. Homemade coconut ice cream. We make it at the restaurant now. Although mangos aren't in season, it still sounds so delicious to me. I have to go a few months without it. It always makes it that much more delectable.

So I've been talking about my excruciatingly painful canker sores. I'd take a picture of them but that would be absolutely disgusting! Gray and I have been doing research online. It could be a number of things: food allergies, poor immune system, stress, or even my toothpaste. We decided to go with the toothpaste. I guess SLS (sodium lauryl sulfate) is found in most toothpastes and may be the cause of irritation for some unlucky people as myself. We found some lists of natural SLS free toothpastes. We came up with Tom's of Maine.

It's looking good so far. It's definitely a good sign when it doesn't sting your mouth when you brush. It's also a good sign when you don't feel like your gums have been wrecked by chemicals. We'll see how it goes. I'm feeling all right so far.

In other news, Graydon and I are waiting for our brand new tv to arrive. It's a 47" (can't believe I let Gray talk me into it!) and it's an LG. That's all that I really know about it. I just know that we've had a hard time trying to find some nice furniture to put it on. Ikea has some stuff but a lot of it needs to be drilled into the wall, which we can't exactly do. We might just settle for a black-brown long table for the tv. I just need some storage space. I think I've been so picky about finding the right tv stand because I don't want it to age too fast. Sometimes those big and bulky entertainment centers look dated unless you have the right space (which we are very limited on). I hope we can find something soon.

Tonight Gray is going to hang out with his dad. I have a free yoga class coupon for Breathe yoga at Daybreak and I might use it tonight. I've never taken an actual class so I think I might head over in a couple hours to see what it's all about. If I'm lucky I might be able to make the Yoga Fundamentals class which would be perfect for me. I really need to try my hand at meditation. I am too stressed out and anxious all of the time. There isn't anything particularly irksome right now in my life or terribly stressful, but I always manage to find something to think about right before I fall asleep. It's frustrating. I think my irritable bowel and my reoccurrence of canker sores as well as headaches (sometimes random painful interruptions when I'm about to sleep) are all a result of stress. I think that things are still as stressful/stress-free as they were a year ago but somehow I am starting to notice how much more it is affecting me. Perhaps it's just how growing up goes. You get more and more responsibilities which may bring awesome blessings but if not handled right, may come off as just another stress to life.

This Sunday our lesson for Primary is going to be about talents. I've been trying to come up with activities for the class. I might make each child a simple gift for them to take home to remind them of their talents. I hope we can talk to them about not hiding talents but rather sharing them and developing them. I was thinking of teaching them a new skill like a craft of some sort. I just need to organize all these thoughts and ideas before Sunday comes around. I promised all the kids a surprise last week so I must get the simple gift for them. It's always so much fun to open wrapped presents, even when you're an adult. Handing out candy is awesome but what about unwrapping a present to get to it? I just hope Gray and I will be able to get the lesson across to our class.

Well, I talked about facebook earlier in this blog. I can't say that I miss it too much. The one nice thing about it though is that it consolidates my pictures. I don't have to search through my computer because they are already available online in a labelled album. Also one thing I miss about facebook is being able to communicate with someone semi-instantly. I guess I mean that you can contact someone when it is convenient for you, and then wait for them to respond at their convenience. This is different than texts and phone calls because those need to be returned immediately. facebook, however, despite apps on our phones is always allowed more time. Not too much, but just enough to let the receiver mull things over. Should we double? Should we go to that party? What do I say to that?

I miss that. Now I have to answer people almost instantly. Which I suppose isn't as big as a problem as it appears. Does anyone ever remember waiting around for a phone call rather than a notification or text message? I have to admit I can't remember how patient I used to be.

I think I liked how this blog turned out. I would like to see what happens tomorrow.

cute boyfriend blazer

Oh, and I want this blazer. It's pretty much adorable : )

day one

Here goes day one without facebook. It wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be. I guess I wasn't as dependent on it as I thought. But I also realized that I didn't get much done regardless of not being on facebook. I guess I did read the newspaper which I haven't done in awhile. I discovered that I could take voice-over workshops to become a commercial voice. I wonder how much that costs. It can't be cheap. I always thought it would be fun to have that as a job. Sit in a studio and talk talk talk. I'm not much of a big talker, but talking to myself in a sound booth doesn't sound too bad.

Right now I have two large canker sores in my mouth. It's been difficult to feel confident smiling or talking to people. I have chronic canker sores, I truly do. They come every 2-3 weeks. Sometimes more often. Sometimes a new one comes immediately following a healed one. This has been frustrating and I'm not sure if a visit to the doctor will reveal an allergy or something. I've been slathering on canker sore medicine but it doesn't seem to be working yet.

Well, back to my day without facebook and with canker sores...it went pretty well. I am kind of feeling like my mind is a little bit emptier. Not that I'm feeling dumber, but rather, my head isn't full of useless information about what other people have been doing. Usually I check facebook right before bed. Then I find strange people in my dreams (sometimes just faces) because I simply passed over a status update of theirs. There is also no second-guessing or misinterpreting when you avoid facebook. Instead of trying to decipher what people are saying in their status updates, I just have to wait to talk to someone face to face about it or I text them immediately without publicly showing curiosity about something.

So day one went well. I could have done a lot more, but maybe this is how I need to ease myself out of it. I am enjoying the small steps away from social networking, like slowly dipping into a warm bath. It's refreshing to have my head to myself for once. I like being able to think outside of the conversation, and for once I get to talk to myself without being distracted. I feel a lot more excited about preparing a lesson for primary this week. I think with this clear mind I might be able to find some better lesson ideas.

Tomorrow I am going to see how day two differs from day one. I am going to do a pilates reformer session with Missy Seawright. I met with her last week and she is offering free sessions. It was awesome. She is a great teacher and I felt wonderful afterwards. It's amazing how much you can do when you breathe just right. I spent an hour on that reformer and it didn't even seem long enough. I will tell you how it goes tomorrow.

Thus, ends day one without facebook. I would say it went quite well.

facebookness

I don't know if I would be able to but I've been thinking about taking time off from my facebook account. It's fun being able to stay in touch with people, but I'm wondering what I might be able to fill those two minutes with instead of looking to see if I have any new notifications on my phone? Maybe I could learn how to write a new word in Thai or learn the definition of a word that I never use or perhaps I could text a friend I haven't talked to in awhile? The possibilities are endless. I am thinking that I won't delete my facebook, but rather see how long I can go without checking in. I've been social networking since high school and have spent most of that time trying to keep up on others' peoples' lives without actually speaking to them. Instead of poring over random peoples pictures, maybe I could learn a new hobby. Maybe I could actually make that dress I talked about months ago. Perhaps I could read a book and actually finish it. Maybe I could make my lessons in primary better.

What if I did something new everyday? Just one small thing. Instead of driving down 9000 S to I-15 to work, maybe I'll drive down Redwood Rd. to 10600 S. Maybe I could make Graydon dinner and eat it on the porch outside. I could walk to church. I could write in my journal (not blog). I could write stories. I could try Indian food...I still haven't had any in years. Rearrange furniture.

This week I am going to minimize my time on facebook. This sounds near to impossible but it's doable...

From here on out, I am going to attempt to avoid facebook. Please text me or call me in the meantime...I may report on this to tell you how it's going. Here we go!

i wrote a blog?

i've been away from my macbook Thomas for too long. his battery is dead after 3.5 years of me pounding on his keys, dropping him, leaving him in steamy bathrooms and ultimately failing to scratch off the adhesive from band stickers on his cover. he's been neglected in the past few months but he is still very much loved and appreciated.

graydon and i are doing wonderfully. graydon just started school again and i can't help but feel jealous that he gets to return to the beautiful U of U campus. i miss being able to sit down in a new class and having a brand new notebook to scribble notes in. the anticipation of learning something new was always so strong during the first week of school.

i am currently working and deciding whether i should buy shrimp or chicken for dinner...? this week we are deciding to back down on meat: only vegetables and some seafood. we've also made it a point to walk lucy every day. this is so important. especially when we open our little front door and find her gnawing at the strings she pulled from our carpet. now we have a rug and large crate covering the damage. i am hoping her frequent walks will quickly cure her of her impatience during the day.

i'm not very good at writing informative blogs about our lives. i guess i feel too formal and detached from anyone who might read my blog if i do write a solid report on "what we've been up to". quite honestly, i feel like my best explanations of our adventures come straight from my mouth and not from my writing.

i guess i can attempt to describe how wonderful our trip to Europe was. we have the greatest family. i am so happy to know that we have family that loves us so much to take us around the world to see some of the most fascinating architecture and cities in the world. our trip began in Barcelona. we were able to spend a day there, and naturally, i wanted to see H&M and Zara. those stores light up my eyes. i don't even need to buy anything, just looking at beautiful clothes is fun for me. we were able to take a tour bus around the city on little sleep but it was so fun being somewhere so far from home. being able to stare out into the mediterranean sea and touch its waves was also a little piece of adventure for me.

our cruise left from barcelona and we travelled to beautiful Monaco. when we arrived there i could hardly believe how quaint everything was. from the cobblestone roads to the beautiful ice plants i saw growing up high brick walls to the narrow streets lined with tiny shops and cafes, everything was so pleasant to look at. i especially loved overhearing casual conversations in french. although each word was foreign to me, i loved hearing the language flow so smoothly and neatly. after Monte Carlo we were able to travel to St. Paul, Nice, and Eze. all were scenic and bursting with history. i could have done without the topless girls in Nice though :)

our next stop was in Italy. our adventure began in Cinque Terre. we took a boat ride along the coast and saw colorful buildings. i loved the open markets and the amount of trees overflowing with flowers. we were able to try an authentic meal and i couldn't help but feel jealous for these coastal cities. the meal was simple and lean and i felt silly for all the times i downed a plate of five cheese baked ziti at Olive Garden thinking it was great Italian cuisine. we also visited Pisa and i found myself wondering if there was ever a time when people merely passed its awkward slant without thinking that it was remarkable? the next day we visited Rome and saw everything there is to see. Colosseum, Pantheon, Trevi Fountain, Roman Forum, ancient bath houses and of course, Vatican City. our last day in Italy was spent in Pompei where we were able to see ruins from Mt Vesuvius' eruption and of course, bodies that were completely preserved from the disaster. the most painful part of the experience was seeing how the corpses' mouths and nails clenched in excruciating pain. how awful. the rest of the day was spent traveling along the Amalfi Coast and finally arriving in Naples where we would leave for our last destination.

Majorca was a small island but was completely surrounded by bright blue clear water. our entire day was spent riding out in a tiny "boat", arriving at a cave, and "diving" to enter it. i was extremely nervous. the water seemed calm but the sounds of the waves crashing inside of the cave and the jagged rocks that surrounded the entrance prevented me from feeling adventurous. i ended up swallowing mouthfuls of salt water and started to panic, i clutched to the rocks, felt warm blood in my hands, and couldn't believe that i was somewhere in the middle of the mediterranean. eventually the guide took me down under the water and the cave came into view. it was completely hidden from the outside and we were sworn to secrecy about its location. the cave was cool and damp. natural air conditioning kept the temperature from ever rising or lowering. we even found a sea slug in the middle of the cave floor, hoping all the while that the water wasn't going to come rushing through where we stood.

when we arrived back in barcelona, we said goodbyes to the family and then parted for Paris. we had about two days to spend in the city of lights. when we arrived at our hotel, we felt completely immersed in a different experience. "zhat is ze elevator over zhere!" we glanced over our shoulders and saw a small glass door encasing a tiny lift, big enough for the small Graydon and I, as well as our one bag. the hotel was pretty, our view from the window showed us rows of buildings and window sills lined with flowers and plants. we immediately set out for the city, using the nearest metro station, Temple. Arc de triomphe was first. champs elysses with Paul macarons. McDonald's and royal with cheese. H&M. Massimo Dutti. oh i loved Paris. we found our way to the Eiffel tower and i quickly grabbed our paper bag full of chocolate macarons. we each took one and sat on a bench, devouring our tasty treats while staring at the tower in front of us. the next day we visited Notre Dame and began a 4 hour bike tour. we rode on back streets, saw the Louvre (which we later visited that day) visited Jim Morisson's apartment, another trip to Paul's bakery with baggettes and more macarons! We saw bridges covered in locks and the first restaurant to ever use a fork. We admired the architecture and chuckled as we passed overflowing streets with water...workers were brushing and removing trash from the gutters. the next day we visited the d'Orsay museum and saw works from Van Gogh, Monet, Manet, Renoir, Cezanne, and Degas. we later returned to one of the bridges covered in locks and added one of our own, a heart attached to a shiny lock, "G&M" was carefully carved into it by Graydon. we attached our lock and threw the key into the Seine below. we hope we can find the lock again when we come back to Paris some day.

well i believe this pretty much sums up our trip. i am so glad that i was able to take it with Graydon. i hope that we will be able to make more trips in the near future together. i always feel like being away from home for a little while makes you appreciate home that much more. i am so glad for the lovely living situation that i have at the moment. i am so thankful for great family that surrounds me and the little fox-like Lucy. Gray is as sweet as he ever has been and i can't help but feel so grateful to have him.

well my night is pretty much at its close. bonsoir!

march: windshields and a little puppy

i don't really know what the point of st. patrick's day is, but today i was thinking about how i first started talking to graydon 4 years ago on this day. i remember our text messages were short and sort of awkward, but it is still fun to think that we had no idea back then where we would end up.

it's been awhile since i've updated everyone on what's going on in my life. i've been working full-time and spending time with my gray-gray. in addition we have a new little one named Lucy. we found our little Sheltie on ksl. it was last minute, we picked her up one friday night, later than we thought we'd get her, and there she was: silly and playful.

lately we've been noticing how much more vocal she's become. she likes to run around the kitchen when i'm cooking or doing dishes. occasionally i hear a little bark from her, she stares up at me and tilts her head a bit. she is so fun. she loves to pounce. i can't believe how brave she is. i've never seen a puppy jump as high as she does. i appreciate her schedule she's made for us. we go to bed at 10:30 and wake up together when the alarm goes off at 6:30. she always knows it's time to get up and she's never afraid to let us know that she's ready to get out of her crate.
our first visit to the vet, she weighed 2.01 lbs. this is Lucy right now:



Graydon celebrated mustache march with Brad by growing a beard. it's been fun seeing him with facial hair. i guess we'll see whether gray decides to keep it longer than March!

gray and i haven't been up to much, but we've been enjoying the warmer weather. today we got our windshield fixed after i woke up the other day to a large crack in the window. we had about an hour so we decided to walk to Savers in addition to Vinh Long (an oriental market). i was excited to find some great finds at Savers today; a green glass pitcher, a couple mugs, and two dresses which were in great shape. i'm not exactly a thrift store expert, but i was so excited to find a classic navy polka dot dress for merely $7. now i just need to find a belt...

things are going great, i am so excited for the warm weather and everything that's coming up this summer. Mindy is getting married in June, and i am so happy for her. her wedding is going to be beautiful, but most importantly, i can't wait to see her and George happy together.

i love my sisters!

an upwards climb

it's been a wonderful month. things have been nice and steady, i have been working full time at the restaurant for almost an entire month now. i really love working with my family and it's always a bonus when i get free food every day. it's also nice having the chance to brush up on cooking skills in the morning.

i recently celebrated my birthday with my family. it was awesome, we went to dinner and snowboarding/skiing at Brighton the next day. it was really fun teaching Graydon how to snowboard (even though he was pro and didn't need too much help from me). i had a great time, it was kind of hard to believe that i hadn't been up there in so long but it still came back to me. i remember the very first time i sat at the top of the bunny hill, feeling so utterly hopeless and discouraged by trying to make it down the mountain in multiple failed attempts.

it's a lot like how i have been feeling lately. sometimes the view up to the top is so pleasant on the lift. the trees are dusted with morning snowflakes, the skiers glide seamlessly below, the air pricks your nose with a cool kiss and the only thing you really think about is how quiet it all is. by the time i see the lift approaching the top of the mountain i suddenly panic and wonder if it is possible for me to get off without knocking over anybody. i forget that i have done it hundreds of times and i try to swallow those creeping butterflies.

lately i have been discouraged because of destinations i have been taken to. after arriving at mountains or new places in my life, i feel like i panic and double take everything. sometimes i feel like i pay too much attention to the journey there and i never stop to enjoy where i arrive.

i understand this is all terribly vague...

but i really am so grateful at the places where i have arrived. i am still discovering who i am, but i know that i can be better and happier with the paths i choose to take. i am trying so hard to enjoy the destinations i get to. even if it means arriving at the top of a steep mountain with a tree-covered face to carve down.

serendipity?

graydon and i went to las vegas a couple months ago. we heard that a visit to serendipity 3 in vegas was a must. as we sat down amidst a catastrophic explosion of pink, bright lamps and trinkets, i had a hard time pinpointing the coining of "serendipity". most likely it was the newspaper size menu, the frozen hot chocolate the size of your face and the eccentric decor that was meant to convey the term.

i thought about this because i made gray watch the movie Serendipity with me. and as cheesy as it sounds, i got to thinking about how certain events may lead us to people. but in addition to that, i began to think about how much the things we do and decisions we make truly determine how things work out in our lives. at first, the events seem like distracting objects, never really there for any purpose. but eventually, you realize the distracting object is a huge menu for a superbly delictable cafe, designed to show you that you are capable of choosing just one, out of the dozen of entrees...even after an exhausting search for what you think you wanted initially and then changed because something seemed more suited to your taste...

that doesn't make much sense...but let me try to hatch some sort of explanation:

i like to think back on so many years ago when i only knew graydon as another kid on the roll in English. i always knew him, but never approached him. there was always something about graydon that interested me: whether i was distracted by school or social life, i never felt right about introducing myself to him. i specifically remember seeing graydon for the first time at a mutual friend's birthday party; a crowd of kids lined up for limbo parted for a bit, and revealed a mysterious kid with dark hair and eyes, somewhat reserved but at the same time, animatedly engaged in conversation with a friend. my friend told me his name was braden and i went home that night to find him in the student directory. i never did find a braden taylor.

it took about 2 1/2 years until i officially met graydon. i even had a class with him, i remember him coming in late a couple times, sheepishly sitting down as Ms. Pratt made a remark about his tardiness, and then watched him as he mumbled to his friend. is it strange that i can extract specific memories of him even before i thought about dating him?

i will always remember him auditioning for the talent show. and then watching him perform in the talent show. and then deciding whether or not i should tell him he did a good job or not. i started to get really shy. but one day, i just spilled my heart to him after a slurpee trip and a walk to the park. i couldn't get graydon michael taylor off my mind.

after graydon and i got married, we were rummaging through his old things at his mom's house. we found a box full of his assignments from high school. i pulled out a familiar looking binder, i remember completing a similar one in our English class with Ms. Pratt. we had a poetry unit with varying themes for different sections. race, religion, language, etc. i flipped open the last page and out fell an article i wrote for the school newspaper: "muslims at bingham" i smirked and asked why he had my article tucked in his binder. "i just really liked it." hm. i had to hug him for that.

well...this blog didn't end where i thought it would, but i like to smile and kiss graydon when i think about our beginnings. i did wait for graydon and marry him after 2 years, but i always like to start off before that. i like to think about what i did to deserve meeting someone like him. i truly look to my friends that i knew at the time, and especially my family for encouraging me to be a better version of myself. i also like to think about graydon's family, and i especially think about how they encouraged graydon to be the person that i am so in love with.

serendipity? i don't really know where to fit that in anymore: my macbook says:

serendipity |ˌserənˈdipitē|
noun
the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way

ha ha. i should watch more chick flicks.