a certain hole in the ground

those feelings never really escaped the time capsule i buried months ago. instead they have grown wiser and effectively planted my feet in the right patch of dirt.

le bonheur

i think i write in order to to make a statement that is too difficult for me to utter.

today i walked through a wonderful house. i should be so excited to spend another year in salt lake with my roommates. but i couldn't help but feel my dear friend, mr. conscience, tugging at my insides, making me think twice.

this would completely drain any savings i have for things i know will lend more blessings to my life. i am not talking about the superficial travelogue i have stewing up in my mind, nor does it have anything to do with buying a brand new car. instead i feel this strange inclination to move back home, go back to where i started.

and this is not bad. i know that i will save money, work harder, have less of a social life. but i have never been the type to seek adventure all over or to find joy in gatherings of strangers. in fact, i spent a good hour studying today. and i am not even in school. nor was i studying anything of particular interest to anyone.

maybe i am growing old too soon. i think that time becomes your friend when you allow it to walk side by side with you, instead of forcing him to walk to your own pace. time is always moving, and unlike us, can't stop to catch its breath.

i want to see what it is i am being prepared for. what it is i am preparing myself for. i think there is but One who knows where i am going.

it's a funny thing; not being blind, but knowing that my uncertainty of the future truly does guarantee more certainties when i follow this path.

i mean that i don't see blindness in true faith. i mostly see my knowledge embodying itself into an experience when i act upon it.

i can still hear it- all of the time

it always settles in the next morning. when you wake up, eyes covered in a hardened shield of tears, i wrapped my arms around my own neck and coughed for five minutes. nothing came out but a few hollow notes. i was hoping that i would have found one harmonious chord in that fit.

there is never a real reason for why we feel difference in seemingly melodious situations. it is never a discordant note that kicks us into a frenzy of questioning or doubt. instead it is the supreme beauty that drives us insane. it is the beauty of something the world is not yet ready for. the world has not trained its ear to appreciate the tune.

it explains why i can't listen to that song anymore or stay in my apartment too long, because the sound is gone and all i really hear now is how dull the fan is, or how slippery the rain actually sounds against the parking garage.

i will try to grab hold of as many familiar notes as i can. this one looks sturdy. this one is made for building cabins next to a lake. that one over there, i'll take with me to those park swings. the rest will have to store themselves, whether for a better time, or for some closed box under my bed.

i do not see refinement in my way of listening, i will have to train myself, but i don't think it ever meant that i didn't care for you.