le bonheur

i think i write in order to to make a statement that is too difficult for me to utter.

today i walked through a wonderful house. i should be so excited to spend another year in salt lake with my roommates. but i couldn't help but feel my dear friend, mr. conscience, tugging at my insides, making me think twice.

this would completely drain any savings i have for things i know will lend more blessings to my life. i am not talking about the superficial travelogue i have stewing up in my mind, nor does it have anything to do with buying a brand new car. instead i feel this strange inclination to move back home, go back to where i started.

and this is not bad. i know that i will save money, work harder, have less of a social life. but i have never been the type to seek adventure all over or to find joy in gatherings of strangers. in fact, i spent a good hour studying today. and i am not even in school. nor was i studying anything of particular interest to anyone.

maybe i am growing old too soon. i think that time becomes your friend when you allow it to walk side by side with you, instead of forcing him to walk to your own pace. time is always moving, and unlike us, can't stop to catch its breath.

i want to see what it is i am being prepared for. what it is i am preparing myself for. i think there is but One who knows where i am going.

it's a funny thing; not being blind, but knowing that my uncertainty of the future truly does guarantee more certainties when i follow this path.

i mean that i don't see blindness in true faith. i mostly see my knowledge embodying itself into an experience when i act upon it.