ahhh

it is much harder missing someone when they're in the same state as you.

i am so anxious.

diving too deep for coins

i've had a great thanksgiving break. on wednesday, mindy and i saw twilight. mindy hadn't read the books, but she still liked it. it was fun. i honestly don't remember the last time i went to a movie...
michelley and brad are in cancun so i've been stuck at home with lil lazy cocoa. but it's been good being able to rest. i've been sleeping a ton!

thanksgiving was really great. it was a small one, but me, mindy, my parents and grandpa went to Vienna Bistro and had thanksgiving dinner there. it was so tasty and the atmosphere was pleasant. we all tried the Austrian ginger ale ( i forget what it's called) and we had the ham and turkey plates for dinner. i was also surprised at how much i liked the brussels sprouts. we finished off our meals with apple streusel. it was nice.

my favorite part was when we went to grandpa's house and watched old home videos. i wasn't in any of them, but it was fun watching my siblings as babies, and seeing how much my parents have changed. my mother was always so fashionable and i couldn't help but notice that my dad and jerry look a lot alike (despite obvious differences).

i know most people like to write blogs about what they're grateful for. i have a hard time with this...i think the reason why people think i'm indifferent or apathetic is because i don't quantify things very well, especially feelings of love and gratitude.

i love my family very much. i've had many friends come and go, i've had a hard time keeping friends close, but i know i can always rely on my family to listen and be there for me. they have never forced me to be a certain type of person, instead they motivate me to be my best self, whoever that may be.

and then there's graydon. sigh. i love him and his family so much. i go over to graydon's bountiful house about once a month. although i'm not the most outgoing talkative person, i always feel really comfortable over there. his sisters are intelligent and lauretta and scott always give me leftovers to take home. i think things would've been a lot different between graydon and i if i rarely saw his family.

i am really content with life right now. i think some people have a hard time understanding why a testimony of my beliefs is so important, but i guess it comes from me knowing a life with a weak testimony, compared to a life with a strong testimony.

i honestly am happy. and it doesn't mean that life is perfect, nor am i always smiley and having great, fantastic days, every day. not at all. i guess i just feel peace with everything. i still get worried/anxious/nervous but i just know that if i continue doing good things, that good things will work out if i be my best self.

i wish i could quantify this happiness or love or gratitude. it is something that i wish i could package and seal, and send off to all corners of the earth.

when i am sitting alone at home, rubbing my dog's belly and listening to music, i feel peace within myself. i don't have any inner turmoil tearing inside or regrets or sorrow. i really am happy.

i have learned that the littlest things are what prove our true character. lately i have been struggling with different viewpoints, different justifications and although they are not entirely 'wrong' within themselves, i know that there are far better things that bring happiness. i have a hard time settling for something when i know that i can have great things. we shouldn't all settle for what seems good...the best thing is what we should seek.

this blog kind of turned into something i wasn't expecting. but i hope everyone had a great thanksgiving.

oh yeah...

11 days....

eating fried rice. feeling a bit antsy.

i have been reading pages and pages of chaucer. and i am sooooo tired of it. (alison...don't you love chaucer? i'm sure if i went to canterbury i would appreciate it more).

but today has been such a long day. almost dreadful. i wouldn't say that it has been a bad day, but sometimes i get frustrated for no reason: especially when i forget to wear socks during wet weather.

another thing. don't ask me how, but i found myself at a site called "waitingforamissionary.com"

i about had a fit.

i think it was created with great intentions (i think the idea of it is nice) but the advice? some of it is absolutely horrifying and shallow. so i bid you to go visit it. let me give you a taste of what's included in the mess:


#1 this image explains everything. this, and others like it, are attached to varying topic headings. the headings seem informative and great! but then i click on "Get Advice" and i am bombarded with a woman in LINGERIE. i thought i stumbled upon the wrong site. yes, she is in fact seeking missionary-waiting advice, WITH a box of chocolates in red, fairly skimpy nightwear. tasteful? suitable? hm.


#2 we reach a section called "Get Cute!" which reminds me of a hannah montana song title...but also, reminds me of how we should NOT think before our missionaries come home.
i believe grooming and proper hygiene are important, but i believe that we should prepare ourselves in far less shallow ways. such as, spiritually, intellectually, and mentally (i guess that's separate from intellectually). believe me, i think that we should take care of ourselves, but i was a bit worried about paragraphs dedicated to making sure that EVERYTHING about your personal appearance is perfect for that first meeting with your missionary. analyze the following:

Ask yourself these questions:

"1. What do I like about the way I look right now? Is the way I currently look the image I want to project to the world?

2. Do I feel like I am in good shape or are there some things I would like to change? If so, what exactly?

3. Do I like to spend a lot of time on my appearance or only what is necessary or quick?

4. Are there any particular things I'd like to change? (Such as hair, skin, style.)

5. How much am I willing to spend money-wise and time-wise toward these changes?

6. Write down the experience you imagine to have the moment your missionary first sees you again. Be specific about how you are dressed, your hair color and cut, maybe even the way you are walking. This is what you're going to aspire to!!"

i am mostly in love with #6. i may start practicing my walk this very minute.



#3 okay. now that i have completely criticized the first bit of "Get Cute!" i want to pay attention to the list of stores we are recommended to shop at. you all know i like to poke fun at most of these, but the list is topped off with the perfect, most plump cherry!

here we go:

american eagle
hollister
aeropostale
abercrombie and fitch
(the list continues here for a couple more, fairly reliable stores but THEN...)

LANE BRYANT.

ladies and gentlemen. i am flocking to gateway this very moment to look like this for graydon:

pine pine pining away...

okay. so i just got done e-mailing graydon which will be the fifth to last time that i will have to.

it is so strange. he is truly my best friend and i am so excited to see him. i know that things will be different...

but i think things will be so much sweeter and endearing.

i have about five weeks of school left. arabic is killing me. it is the first time that i haven't completed all of the homework because there is little to no time for me to do so. my english classes are going great, i have never done so well on tests and essays before, i am glad to say that i enjoy my major.

let's see...i have been sick this past week. it is getting a little old to say the least. i really want to just do what i want when i want. i am sad that i haven't been able to do yoga for awhile and i am also sad that i haven't had a chance to take trax to school as often; sometimes it's hard getting up an hour earlier when you're sick.

i am in my fourth month of accutane. blekh. the thing is amazing in itself though. my skin feels soooo much better. the only drawbacks are: dry lips, sometimes weird dryness of hands and arms, the inability to concentrate (really, i can't concentrate at all and it drives me crazy) and the occasional crying spell which lasts for a minute or two and ends abruptly with no lingering emotional depression. i feel fine. i am just hoping that the next and final time that i get my blood drawn, it will run smoothly. last time, the woman delved into my vein for about five minutes. she poked me a couple times. it hurt but hey i am still alive and my veins are still Inside my arm.

um. Mindy is leaving me for D.C. in january. no, i am sooo excited for her. and for michelle and brad's wedding next month. so much is happening in my family, it just makes me so happy and i feel so blessed. cocoa is doing great, too. he signed up for facebook the other day.

i don't have much of a social life but it doesn't bother me. i usually study on the weekends after work or i hang out with my sisters when they're not socializing. it is strange watching how my circle of friends has shifted so drastically but i fear that these things are necessary.

anyway i just learned today that even when you are sick, you have no excuse to not help other people. you can still serve people in the smallest way when you feel like you are the most unable. i think if everyone were to recognize that they can change someone's day/life with simple things, that our world would be so much happier.

i really love my family, too. did i mention that?

and ever since mindy told me what 'petit ami' meant, i have been obsessed! it is so cute.

the past few months in less than 10 sentences

i don't quite know how to describe my life lately.

i really haven't been doing too much, but there is definitely a lack of any social activity. it's been hard lately; most of my friends avoid talking to me and i'm not sure why.

i have been working as much as i can, as much as school allows me to.

i am desperately trying to figure out how i fit into my recent calling at church, it's been really difficult trying to juggle work/school/and activities committee.

my family is doing well, busy with wedding plans.

but honestly? this is all i've been doing.

i am sad to say there is not much more to report on.

'i love graydon' week

well there is still so much time. but i always come back to the same thing over and over again.

where will i be a few months from now?

and at exactly 11:11 tonight, i remembered a distinct feeling that swept over me a couple years ago, around this precise month.

we were pulling out of the parking lot, the air was really light and the trees were slowly fading under the quickening heat of the sun. cars were still but nature whirled about in a frenzy, almost attempting to gather its thoughts before the autumn cooled it down. i was a bit groggy from a sleepless night. however there was such a promise that lingered in my thoughts after i had woken up to his voice in my ear, "good morning, darling." i was awake the whole night waiting for that exact moment. when i heard him enter the room to wake me, i immediately shut my eyes to add to the effect. the butterflies flew up through my throat and into my hair as he moved strands out of my face. "let's go for a hike."

i loved hearing a command in my ear in the morning. i had a hard time parting from him at midnight the night before, but in that moment i knew why i was so happy.

we walked. i was in the same clothes. he talked about wolves as pets and i laughed but secretly enjoyed the idea of a wild animal in my household with a distinguished name like 'thomas'. he asked me what i thought of this, how i would feel two years from now, whether we would ever grow up.

later we met the family for brunch, i was happy but uncomfortable in my old clothes but he kept insisting that i looked beautiful. insisting.

we found ourselves in the car, reversing, and trying to soak up the remainder of our time together before heading down the canyon.

that was when it hit me.

i remember looking to my right, staring straight down at the pavement and seeing a squashed grape on the road. it was one of the many fruits that we had thrown at unsuspecting hotel guests from the night before. i laughed but then a warmth spread across me. i was almost suffocated by its sure hold on me, but mostly, i couldn't bear it to be loosened. the music wasn't on. at least i couldn't hear it. i only felt in that moment, i felt what wasn't spoken at that time, but felt forever winding, folding and manifesting a fact to me.

this was it. only eighteen but the feeling keeps coming back like deja vu. mostly i knew i could bear two years apart because he had my heart and i his.

i don't know where i'll be in a few months. but i know what i have felt and continue to feel. i occasionally drive to school in the morning and find myself smiling to myself because of that feeling of completeness but also of understanding the presence of folds and perhaps meandering paths of forever ahead of me.

i don't think it is ever about understanding, but mostly about an undeniable feeling.

i love graydon.

as of late

it's been a strange month or so. but i am so happy that school started when it did.

it gets frustrating when people start slipping through your fingers, you see the dregs left in your hands and you wonder if there is anyway to fashion any sort of anything with it.

i'd say it's not bad to watch your friends move out, move away, and move on. nor is it bad to see your siblings happily settled with their own thing, even if it means having to let go of them in a short time.

mostly i needed today, i needed sunday. i had such a busy week, studying, hacking and spitting arabic words (arabic doesn't sound like that, but that's what my arabic sounds like), working and praying for the chance to finally finally get some sleep so i can do the same thing over again the next day.

today i found relief. i was listening to testimonies of fellow ward members when i realized how much i will never know about other people. there are people in my life that i will never fully understand, despite their attempts to make their experiences known, or the attempts of their friends to make their experiences known.

i honestly can't say that i would like to know. sometimes we just have to do our best by assuming that one should be fair to everyone.

but i digress...

i also really really liked sunday school/relief society today. all the wars in the book of mormon are so tiring for me to read through, but michelle and i finished reading a scripture today and both glanced at each other; we exchanged the look, the look that needs no explanation or further probing. i love my sisters. we are constantly thinking of one anothers' experiences/current trials/strugglings/and even joys. i can say that my sisters fully understand me more than i let myself believe.

i do miss alison. i think i delayed it until now. it didn't hit me until she immediately replied to a somewhat pathetic complaint of an email from me last night. i woke up and flipped open my laptop and there it was, a little happy (1) in my inbox.

thank you.

i am also so very much loving how numbers are beginning to disappear. it gets me way antsy when i start counting the days until i see graydon. every time i read a letter from him, i become more excited to hear his voice, to read the expression in his face when he looks at me, and to finally just tell him that it was all worth it. i admire graydon for his desire to align his beliefs, to do all that he can do to serve. i love him.

well here is the scripture of the day:

alma 46:18

"And he said: Surely God shall not suffer that we, who are despised because we take upon us the name of Christ, shall be trodden down and destroyed, until we bring it upon us by our own transgressions."

here we are

i almost want to go back to all of the blogs that i've written and delete them entirely.

i am not saying that i have matured since the last blog i've typed, but i definitely feel like i am very different in how i express myself in writing.

for the longest time i haven't felt the strong feelings of bitterness, loneliness or sadness that comes from loss or longing for someone. instead i have come to embrace the joy that comes from thinking about other people instead of myself.

but for those who read my blog, i guess it is safe to say that i am attempting to abandon my old ways. that is i wish to stay away from using my blog as a way to vent, and instead use it to communicate to my friends everywhere what i have been up to in my life.

well. frankly things are simple. but i couldn't be happier. it is strange how much absorbing yourself into work can truly make you happy if you know that you are doing all you can for another person. i have worked at my mom's restaurant for over a year and a half now, and it wasn't until recently that i realized that i actually enjoyed it. it is actually pretty taxing physically and sometimes emotionally but it is such a blessing to be able to be with my family as often as i am.

i have recently contemplated my education and the route that i am taking. i love studying english and middle eastern studies as well as arabic. but i have very much decided to follow in my mother's footsteps and learn her great recipes in order to open my own shop/cafe some day. i am not entirely sure if a large restaurant is for me, but i have honestly become engrossed in the type of friendship and bonds one can create with decent, sincere people in this world. i also want to do my best to keep the wonderful traditions alive from my heritage that i so often neglect or suppress.

as far as dating life goes, i am still daydreaming. it is not quite like the tales of vampires and Bellas but i would say it reaches almost a pathetic fantasy-like mode. in other words, my love is still kind of an image in my mind as well as an email every week, but he is still existent nevertheless. i think mostly i have decided that love figures itself out. you don't decide before hand what you think it is, instead it forms between two people differently every time. love between Bella and Edward is not exactly the type of love people should expect from here until forever for every couple in love.

i got my hair done the other day by my sister-in-law and she did an amazing job. afterwards i stood in front of the mirror and tried to picture whether graydon would like my haircut or not. then i laughed and realized that four months is enough time for my bangs to grow down to my chin.

i am quite happy as of right now. things rarely annoy me unless the occasional duty goes unfulfilled or customers get fussy. i believe my best is when i roll out of bed and pray every morning for patience and the ability to overcome my frankness with people as well as my quick temper. it's funny that when i go to bed that night, i generally find a scripture that abates my discomfort or my fear of inadequacy.

ah. i'm afraid i'll never be able to merely 'report on my life'. it will always turn into a sort of sermon or other. but basically my life isn't adventurous and constantly full of excitement, but i know that i am finding very slowly what will help me find true joy in this life. i sincerely enjoy the times my mom throws an errand or job at me, because she knows i am capable...i enjoy opening a new email every monday morning because it is full of growth in every word...i also enjoy waiting for my sisters to come at night so i can see love beaming from their eyes...

it really is great taking the path you know you always should have taken.

this day:

i may never understand the nerve people have...i watch my mother run a restaurant every day and night, diligently and furtively. no one can ever be the perfect owner nor the perfect mother but my mom tries her hardest.

but i am so angry. i am so tired of the handful of people who hurt my family repeatedly. one uneducated rant on a review page is enough for me to get riled up. but personal attacks on my mother, on my house, specifically with eggs on my car, is too much.

my family has put up with so much over the past years since we've moved back from saudi arabia. we have never meant to hurt others, or make people despise us. but somehow, when we work our hardest to be good people and find happiness in our own quiet lives, someone seems to find joy in tearing our spirits down. and quickly.

i have never wanted to say i was a victim of things, but i guess i tend to make myself one so easily. i try to believe that everyone is generally good. but so many people have such harsh jealousies and hatred towards my family, i can't even begin to imagine how miserable their lives are. i want so badly to not care, i want so badly to find out who these people are that try to bring us to our knees.

at the end of the day, it does bring me down to my knees, but in a grateful prayer to heavenly father for allowing me and my family to be so close and faithful. i don't know how i would deal with this if i didn't know that things would take care of themselves on their own. i guess it's karma in it's own way, but mostly i am thankful that some day i will be able to forgive these awful people...even if the day isn't immediate, i know it will come.

at least i will find peace within my own life, whereas these wretched people will be groping in a dark mess, searching for someone else to dominate.

hey, i'm still working on all of it. i'm not perfect.

been too denying

i haven't written any blogs in awhile. i just don't want people reading them and getting the wrong idea about things. but i have recently decided to move back to south jordan once my lease is up at my apartment.

i have already spent a lot of time away from salt lake. i'm not sure what it is...i like being somewhere new, somewhere close to school but i have found myself giving into pressures i never did before.

it's not that i'm blaming the city for changing me, in fact i felt like i may have never made certain decisions were it not for living away from home for awhile.

i love my family so much. and good friends are hard to come by. when i think that i have secured friendships with people, they seem to be nothing but conveniences created to my expense. not that i blame anyone, but i find that i only trust my sisters.

i am really happy with the current decision i've made, regardless of it making me out to be a homebody.

i've never thought that i was someone too scared to leave my home, rather, i knew that i had everything i needed already. i love to travel, i have it in my blood to want to be somewhere else. but when the time is right (and money too...)

i feel no regret for how things have panned out recently. it is difficult but i have learned to trust that i know myself and what is in store for me is going to bring me happiness when i do what is right.

i have come to realize that after nearly two years, nothing has changed. i'm still dying to watch rainy sunsets and read crappy advice from jones' caps. only six more months.

a certain hole in the ground

those feelings never really escaped the time capsule i buried months ago. instead they have grown wiser and effectively planted my feet in the right patch of dirt.

le bonheur

i think i write in order to to make a statement that is too difficult for me to utter.

today i walked through a wonderful house. i should be so excited to spend another year in salt lake with my roommates. but i couldn't help but feel my dear friend, mr. conscience, tugging at my insides, making me think twice.

this would completely drain any savings i have for things i know will lend more blessings to my life. i am not talking about the superficial travelogue i have stewing up in my mind, nor does it have anything to do with buying a brand new car. instead i feel this strange inclination to move back home, go back to where i started.

and this is not bad. i know that i will save money, work harder, have less of a social life. but i have never been the type to seek adventure all over or to find joy in gatherings of strangers. in fact, i spent a good hour studying today. and i am not even in school. nor was i studying anything of particular interest to anyone.

maybe i am growing old too soon. i think that time becomes your friend when you allow it to walk side by side with you, instead of forcing him to walk to your own pace. time is always moving, and unlike us, can't stop to catch its breath.

i want to see what it is i am being prepared for. what it is i am preparing myself for. i think there is but One who knows where i am going.

it's a funny thing; not being blind, but knowing that my uncertainty of the future truly does guarantee more certainties when i follow this path.

i mean that i don't see blindness in true faith. i mostly see my knowledge embodying itself into an experience when i act upon it.

i can still hear it- all of the time

it always settles in the next morning. when you wake up, eyes covered in a hardened shield of tears, i wrapped my arms around my own neck and coughed for five minutes. nothing came out but a few hollow notes. i was hoping that i would have found one harmonious chord in that fit.

there is never a real reason for why we feel difference in seemingly melodious situations. it is never a discordant note that kicks us into a frenzy of questioning or doubt. instead it is the supreme beauty that drives us insane. it is the beauty of something the world is not yet ready for. the world has not trained its ear to appreciate the tune.

it explains why i can't listen to that song anymore or stay in my apartment too long, because the sound is gone and all i really hear now is how dull the fan is, or how slippery the rain actually sounds against the parking garage.

i will try to grab hold of as many familiar notes as i can. this one looks sturdy. this one is made for building cabins next to a lake. that one over there, i'll take with me to those park swings. the rest will have to store themselves, whether for a better time, or for some closed box under my bed.

i do not see refinement in my way of listening, i will have to train myself, but i don't think it ever meant that i didn't care for you.

frankenstein

i feel a bit like a creature pieced together by parts that don't necessarily fit together just right. it's like that time when you tried as a kid to force a puzzle together when you were well aware of the missing piece.

well. i have had this blog for awhile but never attempted to post anything until i saw michelle's today. it made me extremely excited to write again. lately i haven't had any desire to.

it is healthy to do what you love frequently.

recently i have discovered what makes me happy. and it is not quite what i thought. it has changed, it has reared its...well, beautiful head.

i am deciding to throw out the bad right now. i refuse to let it consume me and vice versa. i doubt this vagueness does much for anyone. i remember when i used to walk to that park by my house in south jordan and kick at the wood chips under the swing. alison and i spent graduation night there. there were cinnamon bears, too. that moment was clarity...

sitting with michelle at the fountain with ice cream in hand. looking into the water and seeing few coins, less wishes than i remember people used to make, i knew that michelle would be leaving for 18 months...

but now she is home and i don't have to stare into an empty wishing fountain anymore.

i will climb the highest point in chamonix to see where the vastness stretches, where i will find much that appeases me, where i will find things that make sense finally.