pine pine pining away...

okay. so i just got done e-mailing graydon which will be the fifth to last time that i will have to.

it is so strange. he is truly my best friend and i am so excited to see him. i know that things will be different...

but i think things will be so much sweeter and endearing.

i have about five weeks of school left. arabic is killing me. it is the first time that i haven't completed all of the homework because there is little to no time for me to do so. my english classes are going great, i have never done so well on tests and essays before, i am glad to say that i enjoy my major.

let's see...i have been sick this past week. it is getting a little old to say the least. i really want to just do what i want when i want. i am sad that i haven't been able to do yoga for awhile and i am also sad that i haven't had a chance to take trax to school as often; sometimes it's hard getting up an hour earlier when you're sick.

i am in my fourth month of accutane. blekh. the thing is amazing in itself though. my skin feels soooo much better. the only drawbacks are: dry lips, sometimes weird dryness of hands and arms, the inability to concentrate (really, i can't concentrate at all and it drives me crazy) and the occasional crying spell which lasts for a minute or two and ends abruptly with no lingering emotional depression. i feel fine. i am just hoping that the next and final time that i get my blood drawn, it will run smoothly. last time, the woman delved into my vein for about five minutes. she poked me a couple times. it hurt but hey i am still alive and my veins are still Inside my arm.

um. Mindy is leaving me for D.C. in january. no, i am sooo excited for her. and for michelle and brad's wedding next month. so much is happening in my family, it just makes me so happy and i feel so blessed. cocoa is doing great, too. he signed up for facebook the other day.

i don't have much of a social life but it doesn't bother me. i usually study on the weekends after work or i hang out with my sisters when they're not socializing. it is strange watching how my circle of friends has shifted so drastically but i fear that these things are necessary.

anyway i just learned today that even when you are sick, you have no excuse to not help other people. you can still serve people in the smallest way when you feel like you are the most unable. i think if everyone were to recognize that they can change someone's day/life with simple things, that our world would be so much happier.

i really love my family, too. did i mention that?

and ever since mindy told me what 'petit ami' meant, i have been obsessed! it is so cute.

the past few months in less than 10 sentences

i don't quite know how to describe my life lately.

i really haven't been doing too much, but there is definitely a lack of any social activity. it's been hard lately; most of my friends avoid talking to me and i'm not sure why.

i have been working as much as i can, as much as school allows me to.

i am desperately trying to figure out how i fit into my recent calling at church, it's been really difficult trying to juggle work/school/and activities committee.

my family is doing well, busy with wedding plans.

but honestly? this is all i've been doing.

i am sad to say there is not much more to report on.

'i love graydon' week

well there is still so much time. but i always come back to the same thing over and over again.

where will i be a few months from now?

and at exactly 11:11 tonight, i remembered a distinct feeling that swept over me a couple years ago, around this precise month.

we were pulling out of the parking lot, the air was really light and the trees were slowly fading under the quickening heat of the sun. cars were still but nature whirled about in a frenzy, almost attempting to gather its thoughts before the autumn cooled it down. i was a bit groggy from a sleepless night. however there was such a promise that lingered in my thoughts after i had woken up to his voice in my ear, "good morning, darling." i was awake the whole night waiting for that exact moment. when i heard him enter the room to wake me, i immediately shut my eyes to add to the effect. the butterflies flew up through my throat and into my hair as he moved strands out of my face. "let's go for a hike."

i loved hearing a command in my ear in the morning. i had a hard time parting from him at midnight the night before, but in that moment i knew why i was so happy.

we walked. i was in the same clothes. he talked about wolves as pets and i laughed but secretly enjoyed the idea of a wild animal in my household with a distinguished name like 'thomas'. he asked me what i thought of this, how i would feel two years from now, whether we would ever grow up.

later we met the family for brunch, i was happy but uncomfortable in my old clothes but he kept insisting that i looked beautiful. insisting.

we found ourselves in the car, reversing, and trying to soak up the remainder of our time together before heading down the canyon.

that was when it hit me.

i remember looking to my right, staring straight down at the pavement and seeing a squashed grape on the road. it was one of the many fruits that we had thrown at unsuspecting hotel guests from the night before. i laughed but then a warmth spread across me. i was almost suffocated by its sure hold on me, but mostly, i couldn't bear it to be loosened. the music wasn't on. at least i couldn't hear it. i only felt in that moment, i felt what wasn't spoken at that time, but felt forever winding, folding and manifesting a fact to me.

this was it. only eighteen but the feeling keeps coming back like deja vu. mostly i knew i could bear two years apart because he had my heart and i his.

i don't know where i'll be in a few months. but i know what i have felt and continue to feel. i occasionally drive to school in the morning and find myself smiling to myself because of that feeling of completeness but also of understanding the presence of folds and perhaps meandering paths of forever ahead of me.

i don't think it is ever about understanding, but mostly about an undeniable feeling.

i love graydon.

as of late

it's been a strange month or so. but i am so happy that school started when it did.

it gets frustrating when people start slipping through your fingers, you see the dregs left in your hands and you wonder if there is anyway to fashion any sort of anything with it.

i'd say it's not bad to watch your friends move out, move away, and move on. nor is it bad to see your siblings happily settled with their own thing, even if it means having to let go of them in a short time.

mostly i needed today, i needed sunday. i had such a busy week, studying, hacking and spitting arabic words (arabic doesn't sound like that, but that's what my arabic sounds like), working and praying for the chance to finally finally get some sleep so i can do the same thing over again the next day.

today i found relief. i was listening to testimonies of fellow ward members when i realized how much i will never know about other people. there are people in my life that i will never fully understand, despite their attempts to make their experiences known, or the attempts of their friends to make their experiences known.

i honestly can't say that i would like to know. sometimes we just have to do our best by assuming that one should be fair to everyone.

but i digress...

i also really really liked sunday school/relief society today. all the wars in the book of mormon are so tiring for me to read through, but michelle and i finished reading a scripture today and both glanced at each other; we exchanged the look, the look that needs no explanation or further probing. i love my sisters. we are constantly thinking of one anothers' experiences/current trials/strugglings/and even joys. i can say that my sisters fully understand me more than i let myself believe.

i do miss alison. i think i delayed it until now. it didn't hit me until she immediately replied to a somewhat pathetic complaint of an email from me last night. i woke up and flipped open my laptop and there it was, a little happy (1) in my inbox.

thank you.

i am also so very much loving how numbers are beginning to disappear. it gets me way antsy when i start counting the days until i see graydon. every time i read a letter from him, i become more excited to hear his voice, to read the expression in his face when he looks at me, and to finally just tell him that it was all worth it. i admire graydon for his desire to align his beliefs, to do all that he can do to serve. i love him.

well here is the scripture of the day:

alma 46:18

"And he said: Surely God shall not suffer that we, who are despised because we take upon us the name of Christ, shall be trodden down and destroyed, until we bring it upon us by our own transgressions."

here we are

i almost want to go back to all of the blogs that i've written and delete them entirely.

i am not saying that i have matured since the last blog i've typed, but i definitely feel like i am very different in how i express myself in writing.

for the longest time i haven't felt the strong feelings of bitterness, loneliness or sadness that comes from loss or longing for someone. instead i have come to embrace the joy that comes from thinking about other people instead of myself.

but for those who read my blog, i guess it is safe to say that i am attempting to abandon my old ways. that is i wish to stay away from using my blog as a way to vent, and instead use it to communicate to my friends everywhere what i have been up to in my life.

well. frankly things are simple. but i couldn't be happier. it is strange how much absorbing yourself into work can truly make you happy if you know that you are doing all you can for another person. i have worked at my mom's restaurant for over a year and a half now, and it wasn't until recently that i realized that i actually enjoyed it. it is actually pretty taxing physically and sometimes emotionally but it is such a blessing to be able to be with my family as often as i am.

i have recently contemplated my education and the route that i am taking. i love studying english and middle eastern studies as well as arabic. but i have very much decided to follow in my mother's footsteps and learn her great recipes in order to open my own shop/cafe some day. i am not entirely sure if a large restaurant is for me, but i have honestly become engrossed in the type of friendship and bonds one can create with decent, sincere people in this world. i also want to do my best to keep the wonderful traditions alive from my heritage that i so often neglect or suppress.

as far as dating life goes, i am still daydreaming. it is not quite like the tales of vampires and Bellas but i would say it reaches almost a pathetic fantasy-like mode. in other words, my love is still kind of an image in my mind as well as an email every week, but he is still existent nevertheless. i think mostly i have decided that love figures itself out. you don't decide before hand what you think it is, instead it forms between two people differently every time. love between Bella and Edward is not exactly the type of love people should expect from here until forever for every couple in love.

i got my hair done the other day by my sister-in-law and she did an amazing job. afterwards i stood in front of the mirror and tried to picture whether graydon would like my haircut or not. then i laughed and realized that four months is enough time for my bangs to grow down to my chin.

i am quite happy as of right now. things rarely annoy me unless the occasional duty goes unfulfilled or customers get fussy. i believe my best is when i roll out of bed and pray every morning for patience and the ability to overcome my frankness with people as well as my quick temper. it's funny that when i go to bed that night, i generally find a scripture that abates my discomfort or my fear of inadequacy.

ah. i'm afraid i'll never be able to merely 'report on my life'. it will always turn into a sort of sermon or other. but basically my life isn't adventurous and constantly full of excitement, but i know that i am finding very slowly what will help me find true joy in this life. i sincerely enjoy the times my mom throws an errand or job at me, because she knows i am capable...i enjoy opening a new email every monday morning because it is full of growth in every word...i also enjoy waiting for my sisters to come at night so i can see love beaming from their eyes...

it really is great taking the path you know you always should have taken.

this day:

i may never understand the nerve people have...i watch my mother run a restaurant every day and night, diligently and furtively. no one can ever be the perfect owner nor the perfect mother but my mom tries her hardest.

but i am so angry. i am so tired of the handful of people who hurt my family repeatedly. one uneducated rant on a review page is enough for me to get riled up. but personal attacks on my mother, on my house, specifically with eggs on my car, is too much.

my family has put up with so much over the past years since we've moved back from saudi arabia. we have never meant to hurt others, or make people despise us. but somehow, when we work our hardest to be good people and find happiness in our own quiet lives, someone seems to find joy in tearing our spirits down. and quickly.

i have never wanted to say i was a victim of things, but i guess i tend to make myself one so easily. i try to believe that everyone is generally good. but so many people have such harsh jealousies and hatred towards my family, i can't even begin to imagine how miserable their lives are. i want so badly to not care, i want so badly to find out who these people are that try to bring us to our knees.

at the end of the day, it does bring me down to my knees, but in a grateful prayer to heavenly father for allowing me and my family to be so close and faithful. i don't know how i would deal with this if i didn't know that things would take care of themselves on their own. i guess it's karma in it's own way, but mostly i am thankful that some day i will be able to forgive these awful people...even if the day isn't immediate, i know it will come.

at least i will find peace within my own life, whereas these wretched people will be groping in a dark mess, searching for someone else to dominate.

hey, i'm still working on all of it. i'm not perfect.

been too denying

i haven't written any blogs in awhile. i just don't want people reading them and getting the wrong idea about things. but i have recently decided to move back to south jordan once my lease is up at my apartment.

i have already spent a lot of time away from salt lake. i'm not sure what it is...i like being somewhere new, somewhere close to school but i have found myself giving into pressures i never did before.

it's not that i'm blaming the city for changing me, in fact i felt like i may have never made certain decisions were it not for living away from home for awhile.

i love my family so much. and good friends are hard to come by. when i think that i have secured friendships with people, they seem to be nothing but conveniences created to my expense. not that i blame anyone, but i find that i only trust my sisters.

i am really happy with the current decision i've made, regardless of it making me out to be a homebody.

i've never thought that i was someone too scared to leave my home, rather, i knew that i had everything i needed already. i love to travel, i have it in my blood to want to be somewhere else. but when the time is right (and money too...)

i feel no regret for how things have panned out recently. it is difficult but i have learned to trust that i know myself and what is in store for me is going to bring me happiness when i do what is right.

i have come to realize that after nearly two years, nothing has changed. i'm still dying to watch rainy sunsets and read crappy advice from jones' caps. only six more months.