'i love graydon' week

well there is still so much time. but i always come back to the same thing over and over again.

where will i be a few months from now?

and at exactly 11:11 tonight, i remembered a distinct feeling that swept over me a couple years ago, around this precise month.

we were pulling out of the parking lot, the air was really light and the trees were slowly fading under the quickening heat of the sun. cars were still but nature whirled about in a frenzy, almost attempting to gather its thoughts before the autumn cooled it down. i was a bit groggy from a sleepless night. however there was such a promise that lingered in my thoughts after i had woken up to his voice in my ear, "good morning, darling." i was awake the whole night waiting for that exact moment. when i heard him enter the room to wake me, i immediately shut my eyes to add to the effect. the butterflies flew up through my throat and into my hair as he moved strands out of my face. "let's go for a hike."

i loved hearing a command in my ear in the morning. i had a hard time parting from him at midnight the night before, but in that moment i knew why i was so happy.

we walked. i was in the same clothes. he talked about wolves as pets and i laughed but secretly enjoyed the idea of a wild animal in my household with a distinguished name like 'thomas'. he asked me what i thought of this, how i would feel two years from now, whether we would ever grow up.

later we met the family for brunch, i was happy but uncomfortable in my old clothes but he kept insisting that i looked beautiful. insisting.

we found ourselves in the car, reversing, and trying to soak up the remainder of our time together before heading down the canyon.

that was when it hit me.

i remember looking to my right, staring straight down at the pavement and seeing a squashed grape on the road. it was one of the many fruits that we had thrown at unsuspecting hotel guests from the night before. i laughed but then a warmth spread across me. i was almost suffocated by its sure hold on me, but mostly, i couldn't bear it to be loosened. the music wasn't on. at least i couldn't hear it. i only felt in that moment, i felt what wasn't spoken at that time, but felt forever winding, folding and manifesting a fact to me.

this was it. only eighteen but the feeling keeps coming back like deja vu. mostly i knew i could bear two years apart because he had my heart and i his.

i don't know where i'll be in a few months. but i know what i have felt and continue to feel. i occasionally drive to school in the morning and find myself smiling to myself because of that feeling of completeness but also of understanding the presence of folds and perhaps meandering paths of forever ahead of me.

i don't think it is ever about understanding, but mostly about an undeniable feeling.

i love graydon.