Per request from my dear sister Michelle, I am writing a blog tonight. I'm feeling a little strange about it since I have gradually fallen away from social networking and blogging, but I'm excited that I have the time to do it.
What is hidden in the inner most caverns of my thoughts?
I can say that when I read my past blogs I sometimes feel a little sad. What was I thinking exactly? Was I taking my melancholy music too seriously or simply using it as a balm for some sort of quiet desperation? I don't know how I fit some of those thoughts together and where they came from. I am very glad that I am no longer in that state of mind. However, my new state of mind seems to have come with a price. I often complain to Graydon about not caring about the things I used to enjoy. "Like what?" "You know. Shows. Music." He usually gives me that incredulous look (note: he hates that word, too) and thinks that missing out on shows is the least of my worries.
But WHHY? Why can't I feel the same way when I listen to that music that I used to have so much passion for? I don't think I'm sad. I don't think that the music is horrible. Then WHAAAT? What is wrong with me?
Graydon and I have discussed this more than once. Like many people who have a passion for music, I tend to attach songs/albums to very specific moments in my life. When I listen to a song, I can name the year, season, and probably the outfit I was wearing. I also can revive different scents, emotions and facial expressions from listening to certain songs. For example: January 2, 2007. A horrible but memorable night for me. Graydon and I sat in a freezing truck, the smell of his new coat, the smell of my shampoo I used at the time and the way his face hit the light before we had to part ways for 2 years are vivid memories that come back to me when I hear those songs from that night. When I attach these memories to music, it makes it difficult for me to replay these songs or music that would remind me of those times. I have a hard time listening to my favorite songs of senior year in high school because I know that many of those friendships don't exist anymore. I have a difficult time listening to an album because it reminds me of a time when I was missing my sisters so much.
I still love music. I'm not sure why I'm so dramatic about it now: I think it's because things and people have so suddenly been removed from my life that it seems hard to continue on as if things are the same. Many friendships are now passed. Family members are distant. My once familiar and comfortable job is no longer mine.
I'm definitely looking forward to what kind of things I can do with my life. I already feel so empowered to make use of all these changes. It is refreshing to feel like I can truly be successful being Myself. I don't have to worry about what kind of music I listen to. I am truly looking forward to whatever comes my way.
I think that eventually i will be able to listen to those old songs without being so sad. For now I think I will just listen to whatever's on Dance Central. Whoop!
