Stubborn? Me? No way!

I can't believe that the last time I wrote a blog post was when Grady was 3 months old!  Time flies when you're having fun.

And boy, have we been having fun.  

My little Grady is such a fascinating boy.  Now that he is nearly 16 months old, I've started to identify some strong personality traits.  Some of them I selfishly compare to myself: "is he turning out like me?" and then there's "he definitely gets the stubbornness from me." 

But he's not stubborn like me.  I am far worse than anyone can possibly measure.  Grady is patient and gets frustrated when things don't pan out how he wants them to, but eventually he learns he can't have everything he wants.  Me, on the other hand, I complain and cry and don't want to change my ways until it's too late.

My stubbornness will be the end of me. I've learned this several times throughout my life.  Like that one time when I hung out with the wrong kind of friends as a kid.  I was warned and warned.  "it's going to end in heartbreak" I was told.  When the ties were broken, I was 13, alone and utterly confused about what person I was supposed to be.  

Then there's the time when I wouldn't give into that one demanding customer.  "This is the worst service I've ever received" he yelled.  "Well you can go somewhere else then, sir". I still don't regret that retort which adds to my dilemma.  But after that, I felt that my position at work was degraded a bit.  What kind of assistant manager responds to people like that?

Finally, there's that one moment when Graydon told me to be patient about starting a family.  All around me friends, coworkers, relatives and neighbors were having kids.  I was quickly turning 23.  Oh no, married for 2 years and no kids?  Then came 25.  I was still lagging.  I cried into my pillow and put myself down for not being like everyone else.  Shouldn't I have 2 kids by now?  The emotions were building up, the sound of someone else's happiness sent me into a whirlwind of despair.  I bought baby necessities...maybe pretending would yield a faster result.  

Eventually we got there and here I am, staring at a picture of my baby.  

I need to put an end to my stubbornness.  All it has ever done has gotten me into trouble.  Maybe I should be persistent instead?  Grady is a great example to me.  He has his moments when those molars are cutting through or he hasn't had enough sleep.  But overall, he is understanding when things are supposed to be a certain way.  He doesn't give up, but he goes with the flow.  He accepts the circumstances and moves on with a smile on his face.  I tell him "no, you can't play with that electrical outlet." He flinches, nearly tries to touch it again, but decides he'd have more fun playing with something else.  "Eat your dinner, Grady" gets me a shake of the head and then a gentle push of his plate, meaning he's done.  If that were me, I'd be screaming my head off "NO I DON'T WANT TO EAT" or "WHY CAN'T I PLAY WITH ELECTRICITY?"

I've come to the conclusion that I'd be much happier if I tried to see things from a different perspective, move on without dwelling too much on the past.  Seeing beyond the here and now has always been difficult for me.  Ever since my little Grady came into my life, I've noticed that it's been easier for me to lighten up a bit.  I think I will always be grateful for my little guy in more ways that I can count.  Who would've thought that Grady could teach me so much in so little time?

Grady update!

Grady is 15 weeks old! I can't believe how much he has grown. It's been an amazing 3.5 months with my little man. I never thought I could love my baby this much. It certainly hasn't been easy, but all the late nights have been so worth it. Of course, there are still many more to come.

Grady has been such a joy. He just recently became more vocal. Grady loves to coo. When he's on his playmat, you can hear him repeating "ooo...ooo" while he swats at his toys. Sometimes I think he's talking to his toys or maybe he's just annoyed to be on the floor with three random trinkets hovering above him by little ribbons. In either case, he loves to talk. At times when he's extremely fussy I sit him down and ask him what's bothering him. We will proceed to carry a "conversation" as he responds to my questions with exasperated coos and other sweet noises. I swear he is saying "wingding". You know, like the font. He's probably just making that dipthong sound.

At this point in motherhood, I still don't feel like I know what I'm doing. I hope no one ever asks me for advice. However, I also prefer not to receive any either. I think I'm just being too prideful to accept it. I love being a mom. I'm so glad it happened when it did. Grady is so lucky to have so much family around.

Well I could go on about how tall Grady is and how much he weighs but I don't think it matters. I think the best update I could give you is that he is happy and loves to smile. There's not much else that can make sleeping two hours a night satisfying but his smile sure does that. Of course he is sleeping more but life is unpredictable and stuff happens. I'm just glad to know that my little guy will always have a smile saved for me despite how tired, hungry or sick he is.

Little Grady is here!

I can't believe he's here! All those days talking to my belly, feeling him kick and daydreaming about what he'd look like are over. Now I have a little bundle of love. Today I'm writing about Grady's birth story (you've all been warned). I am always extremely interested in others' experiences so I thought I'd share mine. Also, when Grady isn't nursing I need something to do!

 Grady's due date was July 13, 2014. Since Graydon works a 7 on/7 off schedule at work, we were nervous that Grady was coming on a work week. Because of this, Graydon continually talked to Grady in my belly. " come early little guy!" Every morning and every night for a week or so he did this. I just laughed it off, enjoying the moment. On July 4th, Gray and I had slept in. The night before we had enjoyed Thai food and a swim at the gym. We were so relaxed and happy, just daydreaming about the sweetheart in my belly. That morning we were laughing and enjoying the fact it was a holiday with nothing for us to do. Gray turned to my belly and again reminded him " you need to come today, bud. We want to meet you." With dreamy eyes, I smiled and rolled over on my side, started to drift back into a lazy slumber when POP! Ouch. It felt like a balloon popped inside me. Then a contraction, my first one ever. Soon the fluid flowed and I knew that Grady had listened to his daddy. My water just broke!

 We didn't rush to the hospital. I was still feeling good. We showered, I gathered my packed bags, then suggested going to eat before going to the hospital. I thought labor would be at least 12 hours. Once we got closer to Arby's, the contractions grew closer and more intense. I started to get snippy. " why are they taking so long with our order???" I felt guilty later because they ended up being the nicest Arby's employees ever when I looked back on it.

 Finally, we arrived at the hospital. I could barely walk at this point and it had only been an hour since my water broke. The nurses were understandably skeptical about my being in active labor and whether or not my water broke. We were immediately escorted to a room where I was told to change into the hospital gown. I couldn't do it because of the pain and the feeling like I had a horrible case of food poisoning. I just sat on the toilet, saw blood and immediately tried to get on the bed. I had no idea how they expected me to give them a urine sample at this point. It felt like forever before a nurse came in.

In the meantime I used deep breathing techniques to work through each contraction or "surge". It helped but I didn't want to do it for hours. I thought it'd be a long labor. When the nurse came in to check me, she said "8." Immediately the whole dynamic changed. People were paged and equipment was being rolled in. "Are you sure you don't want to do this naturally?" My nurse was kidding but a contraction had been coming on so I didn't feel like laughing. They hooked me up to an IV and the epidural was quickly and thankfully administered all within about 45 minutes of me checking in. I couldn't believe I was at an 8. I had seen my OB just the previous day and I was a 2, which I had been for about 3 weeks. Here I was, ready to have a baby on this day. Independence Day!

 I was the happiest person after the epidural kicked in. I was laughing and alert, completely involved in conversations with my parents when they visited. I could feel tiny pressure, like my stomach was growling for food but not much else. At 2:30, we started the pushing process. I was warned that it'd be difficult with an epidural but I didn't care. I didn't want it risk having a painful and miserable experience with my little guy that was coming so quickly. I did ask for a mirror though. I always like watching when I get shots, blood drawn, my dad drilling and extracting teeth so I thought why not. Also, it helped me focus my pushing.

 After an hour and a half of pushing (I was so glad I worked out three times a week during my pregnancy!) little Grady was born! He had beautiful dark hair and chubby cheeks. When they placed him on my chest, I fell in love immediately. His tiny hands with super long fingernails made me laugh and his button nose melted my heart. Graydon cut the umbilical cord and I continued watching as they cleaned up our bear cub. Was it really possible that just 6 hours ago we were dreaming about this guy? Here he was, perfect and sweet. I will never forget the feeling of becoming a mother. I also loved watching Graydon become a dad. He was so quick to catch on and know how to help. Love emanated from his eyes as he rocked Grady. We looked at each other and cried. We fell more in love with each other on Grady's birthday. Like I said, I am so interested in birth stories. People have completely different experiences and learn different things from it. I know that my first experience delivering a baby wasn't perfect but after it all happened, I felt like I just experienced the most perfect day of my life. I look at Grady now and just feel so overwhelmed with love and emotions (of course). I also look at Graydon and am so thankful that he is mine and I am his. There is no other person that I could imagine sharing such an amazing experience with.

Homemade sorbet

Make this the next time you feel like having a lighter dessert and really want to impress dinner guests. Nothing gives you more compliments than making your own sorbet after a delicious dinner!

Ingredients:
4 cups of frozen assorted fruit (preferably strawberries, peaches, pineapple, and mango)
1/4 cup of lime juice
3/4 cup of sugar
1/4-1/2 cup of water (if needed for easier blending)

Use a food processor or blender and combine items. Add 1/4 cup of water if consistency is too stiff. After sorbet mixture is complete, place in air tight container and freeze for up to 4 hours. You can also use an ice cream maker if you have one on hand. Scoop, garnish with mint or fresh fruit, and impress your guests!

Treading water

So, it's January 2012.

I would be lying if I said this last year has been perfect.

There were mornings that I woke up feeling hopeless and empty. The sunlight coming in through the blinds bothered me and the cheerful radio voices on our alarm enraged me. I'd cling to my sheets as if some imaginary hands were pulling me out of bed. I slipped under my covers and hoped the day would pass, realizing it would go on regardless if I decided to get out of bed or not. These type of mornings became routine. If I got out of bed, I couldn't look in the mirror. I'd brush my hair and teeth and pull on crumpled clothes. The days always seemed to last longer and longer. My neck and back began to ache. My chest had a constant weight on it. I found myself turning off the radio. The thousands of songs on my itunes were becoming nothing but whiny. Not comforting like they used to be. My own puppy gave up trying to drop her stuffed toys at my feet. She knew I had no intention of taking my eyes off the television.

I would be lying if I said that Graydon isn't perfect.

His face so close to mine, his eyes trying to sort out the pain I was feeling. "You must feel like you're drowning, don't you?" Comforting arms wrapped around me, I nodded and sobbed into his chest until I ran out of tears. "I feel like I can't breathe."

Our summer on the Mediterranean cruise: one day we strapped on snorkel gear, climbed into a tiny boat, and dived into pristine waters surrounding Majorca. "We are diving into an underwater cave" we were told. The water, so beautiful and seemingly harmless, crashed me up against a giant rock. Again and again my hands smashed against its jagged surface, my hands punctured and bleeding. Salt water forced itself into my lungs, I clung to Graydon's shoulders and hoped no one else noticed my intense fear. "You have to let go" he said, "I'll wait for you." And he did. When I emerged from the cave he was treading water, I could see his tired eyes, red cheeks but a hopeful smile. I couldn't stop thanking him for waiting for me.

So it seemed for awhile that Gray was treading water, waiting for me to emerge. Constantly holding my hand, stroking my hair and talking me through ever thorn that was embedded in my heart. He talked me through going to the doctor. He talked me through telling my family. He talked me through my first pills, my first visit to the therapist, and my admission that I couldn't do it all on my own.

One day I noticed I was laughing again. Not the petty laughter that one offers at a simple remark but an actual sincere laugh. My chest lightened up. I danced, I sang and kissed my Graydon's cheeks. "Welcome back."

I wear coral lipstick now and paint my nails. I brush my hair and cuddle with my puppy more. Cooking has become my reprieve as well as tending to my house plants. I don't feel perfect and know that I will never come to that. Graydon inspires me every day to live. He spends hours working and even more hours taking care of me. I love him. I also love my family for taking care of me. For helping Graydon take care of me. For loving me and hugging me as if I were still a little girl. Sometimes I still need those type of hugs.

I'm looking forward to this year. Who knows what will happen? All I know is that I'm turning 24 soon and I still feel like I'm 18, twiddling my thumbs waiting for something to happen. Little did I know things have been happening all along and it wasn't until just recently that I realized that I need to play a bigger part in my own life. So here I go. I'm putting one foot, no two feet forward and making my way into the unknown.

We love you, Grandma Polly

This past weekend I was so absorbed by my own stress. I was feeling down because of work, strained friendships and all the cleaning and organizing that I wanted to accomplish. Graydon and I also started building a new shelving unit and became frustrated by the lack of instructions in the box. I was feeling so overwhelmed by the stressors that were facing me come Monday at work and the lesson we would have to teach on Sunday.

While we were figuring out our shelving unit, we got a call from Graydon's mom. It was not good news. Graydon's amazing grandmother had been taken to the emergency room. I have never been so amazed by Graydon as when I saw the immediate rush of concern flood over him and take an immediate hold of his priorities. "Let's go". We stopped building our shelving unit. We pet Lucy and gave her a bone. We grabbed some water, hopped in the car and arrived in Layton within 30 minutes.

Graydon and I were able to see Grandma Polly in the last moments of her life. While I stood there watching the family and Grandpa Charles near his sweetheart, I began admonishing myself for all the little things that I stressed over during the day. Who cares if the furniture didn't come with directions? Why should I worry about work when it will be there for me on Monday? Why in the world did I waste my energy on being offended? I grabbed Graydon's hand tightly and allowed all the memories of our 5 years together to rush over me. I thought of all the times we spent with his family and my family. I thought about the first time I met Grandma Polly at our high school graduation. I smiled as I thought about the immediate love she showed me even before I was a part of the family. The entire room was filled with an indescribable warmth. My heart felt like it would overflow with so much love even though we were so sad to see Grandma Polly go.

I am so grateful for the gospel and for eternal families. I cannot imagine an afterlife without my darling or my amazing family and friends. I know that the gospel brings happiness if we follow the teachings of Christ and live our life serving other people. I hope that I can live my life in a way that my own Grandma and Grandma Polly would be proud of.

Graydon says he imagines that our grandmothers have been able to meet our children. I hope they put in a good word for us :) I love Graydon so much and know that the love we share for each other can surpass any trial as long as we stay faithful in the gospel. Although I am so sad to have said goodbye to an amazing woman, I am so grateful for Grandma Polly's example and what she did for her family.

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