'i love graydon' week

well there is still so much time. but i always come back to the same thing over and over again.

where will i be a few months from now?

and at exactly 11:11 tonight, i remembered a distinct feeling that swept over me a couple years ago, around this precise month.

we were pulling out of the parking lot, the air was really light and the trees were slowly fading under the quickening heat of the sun. cars were still but nature whirled about in a frenzy, almost attempting to gather its thoughts before the autumn cooled it down. i was a bit groggy from a sleepless night. however there was such a promise that lingered in my thoughts after i had woken up to his voice in my ear, "good morning, darling." i was awake the whole night waiting for that exact moment. when i heard him enter the room to wake me, i immediately shut my eyes to add to the effect. the butterflies flew up through my throat and into my hair as he moved strands out of my face. "let's go for a hike."

i loved hearing a command in my ear in the morning. i had a hard time parting from him at midnight the night before, but in that moment i knew why i was so happy.

we walked. i was in the same clothes. he talked about wolves as pets and i laughed but secretly enjoyed the idea of a wild animal in my household with a distinguished name like 'thomas'. he asked me what i thought of this, how i would feel two years from now, whether we would ever grow up.

later we met the family for brunch, i was happy but uncomfortable in my old clothes but he kept insisting that i looked beautiful. insisting.

we found ourselves in the car, reversing, and trying to soak up the remainder of our time together before heading down the canyon.

that was when it hit me.

i remember looking to my right, staring straight down at the pavement and seeing a squashed grape on the road. it was one of the many fruits that we had thrown at unsuspecting hotel guests from the night before. i laughed but then a warmth spread across me. i was almost suffocated by its sure hold on me, but mostly, i couldn't bear it to be loosened. the music wasn't on. at least i couldn't hear it. i only felt in that moment, i felt what wasn't spoken at that time, but felt forever winding, folding and manifesting a fact to me.

this was it. only eighteen but the feeling keeps coming back like deja vu. mostly i knew i could bear two years apart because he had my heart and i his.

i don't know where i'll be in a few months. but i know what i have felt and continue to feel. i occasionally drive to school in the morning and find myself smiling to myself because of that feeling of completeness but also of understanding the presence of folds and perhaps meandering paths of forever ahead of me.

i don't think it is ever about understanding, but mostly about an undeniable feeling.

i love graydon.

as of late

it's been a strange month or so. but i am so happy that school started when it did.

it gets frustrating when people start slipping through your fingers, you see the dregs left in your hands and you wonder if there is anyway to fashion any sort of anything with it.

i'd say it's not bad to watch your friends move out, move away, and move on. nor is it bad to see your siblings happily settled with their own thing, even if it means having to let go of them in a short time.

mostly i needed today, i needed sunday. i had such a busy week, studying, hacking and spitting arabic words (arabic doesn't sound like that, but that's what my arabic sounds like), working and praying for the chance to finally finally get some sleep so i can do the same thing over again the next day.

today i found relief. i was listening to testimonies of fellow ward members when i realized how much i will never know about other people. there are people in my life that i will never fully understand, despite their attempts to make their experiences known, or the attempts of their friends to make their experiences known.

i honestly can't say that i would like to know. sometimes we just have to do our best by assuming that one should be fair to everyone.

but i digress...

i also really really liked sunday school/relief society today. all the wars in the book of mormon are so tiring for me to read through, but michelle and i finished reading a scripture today and both glanced at each other; we exchanged the look, the look that needs no explanation or further probing. i love my sisters. we are constantly thinking of one anothers' experiences/current trials/strugglings/and even joys. i can say that my sisters fully understand me more than i let myself believe.

i do miss alison. i think i delayed it until now. it didn't hit me until she immediately replied to a somewhat pathetic complaint of an email from me last night. i woke up and flipped open my laptop and there it was, a little happy (1) in my inbox.

thank you.

i am also so very much loving how numbers are beginning to disappear. it gets me way antsy when i start counting the days until i see graydon. every time i read a letter from him, i become more excited to hear his voice, to read the expression in his face when he looks at me, and to finally just tell him that it was all worth it. i admire graydon for his desire to align his beliefs, to do all that he can do to serve. i love him.

well here is the scripture of the day:

alma 46:18

"And he said: Surely God shall not suffer that we, who are despised because we take upon us the name of Christ, shall be trodden down and destroyed, until we bring it upon us by our own transgressions."